Free at last, Free at last

“I had a fucked up life, there’s no getting around it. It made me who I am in some ways, but it didn’t change who I was going to become.”

it’s not that I want to die, it’s just that I wish I had never lived. it’s not worth it. my life isn’t worth it. nothing I’ve done, nor the impact I’ve made on anyone else, has made my life valuable enough that these years of suffering have been worth it. I’m alone and no one loves me. if my parents had never had me they wouldn’t feel like their lived were missing something.

but unfortunately… I am alive. I’m stuck living this miserable life because I can’t fucking kill myself because it would destroy my mother and instead I have to spent every waking moment crying and hating myself and wanting to escape so fucking badly. drugs. smoking. cutting. purging. constantly being reminded that I am all alone. what a fucking life.

something about being home for an extended period of time depresses me. something about being anywhere for an extended period of time depresses me. I need constant stimulation, constant entertainment, because when I’m alone.. I’m scared. I can’t explain it. I just worry that there’s something wrong with me, that I’m dying, and the idea of death terrifies me. I can’t be alone, I can’t be left to my thoughts, because I get depressed and I want to hurt myself.